Dear Carpenter

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Dear carpenter you should read this by twopluscute

Dear carpenter(s) who made our porch: Let me count the ways I do not love you.

It is snowy – again – today and it is not helping me be lenient. I want to start fixing things and the weather is hindering me. Some of the things I have to fix, are because of you dear carpenter.

You never measured – anything. As a result, you installed too short posts and too long balusters. That however is the least of what you failed to do properly. Please see enclosed list:

1. You installed in-ground supports but because you do-not-measure, they are too far for the roof supporting posts. Yet, you went ahead and installed the support posts (!) on…nothing.

Dear carpenter by twopluscute


2. With pocket holes we can screw the screws all the way in. They were known since at least ancient Egypt – how come you never heard about them?

non pocket holes twopluscute
Exposed screws everywhere.


3. Generally speaking, we use screws and nails to attach and hold two pieces together; not to make random holes on wood. And never, ever, leave them exposed.

Screws screwed on nothing twopluscute
Screws for…decoration?


4. Measure TWICE, cut once. Heck, measuring even once would have helped.

5. Cutting angles is intimidating. It’s not like we have a gazillion tools to help us do that; right? #irony

posts cut with wrong angles twopluscute
Wrong angle cuts.


6. We should cover the screw holes with caulk. Always. We also caulk all the crevices so snow and rain does not rot our construction.

7. Do not create crevices 5 inches deep that are un-cleanable and get rotten because snow/rain/leaves love to go in there and call it home. What the heck where you thinking?

bad craftsmanship twopluscute
These are deep, narrow and all the way to the floor. It is impossible to clean them and they hold water. Rotting away as you see.


By the way:

Dear painter that painted our porch.

My sincere scientific congrats on discovering negative friction by painting our porch floor with…gloss paint. However, as a person who wants to walk (upright and safely) on said porch and not slide-fall-slidefaster when I try to enter my home, I do not appreciate your scientific discovery.

Do NOT paint exterior floors (decks, porches) with gloss paint. Ever. Especially in wet and snowy areas.



End of rant. We were aware of the issues thanks to our home inspector and they did not stop us from buying the house. Perhaps the carpenter(s) and the painter(s) did the best they could. It’s just that, like I wrote earlier, it snowed again today and that did not improve my mood.

Have you ever encountered laughable craftsmanship with your homes?

I bet you have so, do share!



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14 thoughts on “Dear Carpenter

  • April 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Oh boy….I hate to say this, but you could spend a fortune on a reputable construction company (like we did, because we’re not carpenters) and STILL have screwups. Bottom line is, if you can’t do it yourself, or haven’t learned, then you almost have to be your own general contractor. We hired ours, I was there every day, and we’re still dealing with bad workmanship. It sucks. Owning a house is the American dream…..wait, or is the American nightmare? I’m not sure which. Hopefully, at least the snow is gone for good to help cheer you up. 🙂
    Visiting from Panoply – thanks for stopping by, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
    RIta C at Panoply

    • April 20, 2015 at 7:45 pm

      True, true, even with professionals things can be built the wrong way.
      Are we positive the snow is gone for good? I live in New England. The force is strong with the snow here. 😀

  • April 17, 2015 at 10:21 pm

    Well it’s a good thing I don’t go around building porches because your commentary was a learning moment for me! Bummer that you have all that to deal with.

    • April 18, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      The upside is that when we manage to budget for it, it will become a cute little porch. Something to look forward to.
      I think you would do a better job. For one thing, as a blogger, you probably do your research before you try such an intensive construction and go into it educated.

  • April 14, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    Oh, I especially loved the screws into thin air. That’s so handy and sturdy! LOL! One would think if you screwed it up (pun intended) that badly, that you would try it at least one more time!

  • April 13, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    I hate having to correct things we’ve already done… but it isn’t anywhere near as bad as having to correct things done by professionals!! That’s the worst.

  • April 10, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Well, that is not good! Yep, they were definitely DIY’ers who do not do their homework. Very poor workmanship. Maybe they were drunk? lol I take it you will be getting a new porch this spring / summer? By the way, I love how you incorporated a little science into this post. 😉

    • April 10, 2015 at 8:41 pm

      We are budgeting for the porch yes, but with a long abroad trip planned for this year, it will have to wait just a bit more. I will beautify it a tad though!
      All DIYers should read DIY blogs – at the very least!

      I love how you got the science reference. <3

  • April 9, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    I was initially worried that you had hired these people to build that porch. Glad to see you didn’t. They were idiots. I use to manage a construction company – I’m qualified to make that assessment 😉 “Amateur” doesn’t even cover it. Maybe it was built by the previous homeowners, who thought they’d save money by DIYing it. Too bad they failed big time.

    • April 9, 2015 at 9:58 pm

      Hahah! You used the words I wanted to. 😀
      Some of the mess is actually from the original builders. They wouldn’t be able to sell an overhang roof with no support posts (I think).

  • April 9, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    That was quite the rant. Time to hire a new carpenter and painter. I know a few good ones…

    • April 9, 2015 at 5:48 pm

      Hahah! I think I know the same good ones. 😀
      They already have a list with things “to do” that is several feet long. ^^


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